


First time he kissed a boy

by brokebackdeancas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Canonical Character Death, Declarations Of Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Pre-Series Dean Winchester, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22615753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokebackdeancas/pseuds/brokebackdeancas
Summary: Lee Webb is the closest thing as a best friend Dean Winchester has, but what if some alcohol could drastically turn the tables?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Lee Webb/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	First time he kissed a boy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: English is not my first language and this is also my first fic, I hope I didn't make many mistakes :/ if you find something wrong please let me know! Enjoy :)

**November 1999**

It was a cloudy day in Texas. Dean, Sam and their father had been staying in Richardson for a couple of months, and now they had found a job in a nearby town: a woman was found in the backyard of her house with big bites on her body. John thought it could be a rugaru or a wendigo, sure thing was they had to dig in the case.

John parked the Impala in front of the sheriff's department, took an FBI fake badge out of a box, and got out of the car.

"You stay here," he told his son in the most authoritarian tone he could have used.

"Yes, sir" Dean answered, obedient. Not that he was expecting something different. He was always left behind in this kind of thing, his father thought he could have got caught because he hadn't learned how to lie perfectly yet. Most of the time, he felt alone since Sammy never wanted to go with them. His brother was only sixteen, but he already decided he wanted to go to Stanford after he finished high school. Dean was worried about him since their father didn't know it yet, but he hoped Sam could have got out of this life. The only downside in this was, indeed, that he wouldn't have had someone to be with when John was working or drunk in some bar. Dean and Sam spent time worrying about their father, but at least they were together.

John was still in the building when his son saw a truck parking in front of the Impala. Someone got out of the driver's seat, and he immediately recognized him. _Lee? Son of a bitch_ , Dean thought and got out of his own car to go say hi.

"Lee Webb. Is that really you?" Dean asked with an excited smile on his face. Lee Webb was a hunter, but most importantly, he was the only friend Dean had ever had in his whole life. They met in Illinois six years ago, they went to the same high school at the time, but they met during a case their old men were both working on. They got along from the begging, probably because they were really similar: both their dads weren't born hunters and became what they were ‘cause of a loss (in Lee's case, his sister), they were obedient sons, they both felt constantly alone. Luckily, they had found each other. And Dean was so happy to see him, he just couldn't hide it.

"Dean frigging Winchester. Ah ah!" Lee greeted him with the biggest smile. "How long was it? Six months?

"Six months, man. Only God knows how much I missed you!" They hugged and patted each other's back. "What brings you here? I thought you stayed in Oklahoma after last time."

"Yeah, that was the plan... but my dad told me he had some big stuff going on and that he would have been gone for almost two weeks, so since you were nearby he suggested that I could stay with you three for a while. He already talked on the phone with John, don't worry," he added as soon as he saw Dean's doubt on his face.

Lee staying with them for two whole weeks? Was that a fever dream?

In the meantime, John had finished talking to the sheriff and was reaching them. "Well, guess who's here. Hello Lee, how are you?"

"Hello sir, everything is great." 

"I'm glad to hear that." He looked at Dean. "He probably already explained to you. Well then, we gotta go talk to the children. You go, Dean, I know you're good with them. You can take Lee with you. I'll go to the morgue."

John got in the driver's seat of the Impala and took off. Now Dean and Lee were alone.

"You're good with children? Every time we meet, I find out something about you, and you never cease to amaze me, Winchester."

Dean blushed a little after Lee's comment. "Oh, shut up. Let's go."

Dean explained Lee the situation during the drive so his friend could have talked to the father while Dean would have worked on the children. Turned out the little one saw a man attack his mother the night of the murder. 

Dean and Lee met John in the late afternoon at their motel room to share information.

"Okay, we can work on this tomorrow, since it's getting late. I have some stuff to do, I left you money for dinner. I'll be back late. Don't wait up for me. Oh, and I'm leaving you the car... don't do anything stupid." 

"I would never, sir." Dean was happy he could spend some quality time with his best friend, even if that meant leaving Sammy alone for the night, but didn't he deserve a little time off too? His brother could have handled himself.

The three boys ordered a pizza and while they were eating Sam got to know Dean's friend. They got along really well, and Dean smiled through all that family moment.

Lee and he were now standing outside the door. "So, you wanna get busted?" his friend asked with a flirty smile.

How could have Dean said no to alcohol?

––

They already had 5 shots of tequila alternated by some beers they both lost count of. Needless to say, they were completely drunk. They had been laughing out loud the entire evening, and they were so happy to be with each other. Dean noticed Lee made their legs touch a lot under the table, he also kept watching him intensely and flirting with him, but he didn't care, he was totally wasted and that's all that mattered. 

It was already 2 a.m., he hoped John still wasn't home or that he could have understood that they just wanted to have some fun.

"It's late Lee, we should go."

"Yeah, and who do you think's gonna drive since we are completely drunk? Jesus freaking Christ?" His laugh can probably be heard even in hell, Dean thought since everything was so loud in his mind. "But I agree with you, let's at least get into the car."

They got out of the bar and when Dean was going to open the driver's door, Lee yelled at him to go in the backseat, the excuse being it was comfier. So, they found themselves in the backseats of the Impala, starring at each other, not knowing what to do or what to say. The air became heavier all of a sudden. Lee finally broke the silence after a minute.

"So, since when have you been liking boys?"

Dean opened his eyes wide, looking at him with a confused look. What the hell was he talking about?

"Me? Boys? Lee, I don't like men, I'm not gay, I'm a hundred percent heterosexual, what are you saying?" Dean answered faster than he was thinking. 

"Dean–" Lee burst out a laugh "–you don't have to be gay to like men. Some people just like to have both. And there's nothing wrong with it, you know..."

Lee's face was getting nearer his own with every word he said. Dean started sweating and heavy breathing. _What. Was. Going. On._ He had been knowing Lee for so long. Now turns out he likes men? And he thinks Dean likes men too? Oh, he was totally drunk. But Dean was too. His mind and sight were completely blurred, he couldn't put thoughts together and didn't understand what was happening. 

Lee's lips reached his. Dean panicked. They were kissing. Lee was kissing him. And it wasn't that bad. For the moment, it was just lips touching and Dean even liked that. So he closed his eyes, letting Lee leading whatever was going on there. He felt his friend's tongue pressing on his mouth, he was freaking scared and his mind kept screaming _get the fuck away_ , but his body wouldn't listen. So, he opened his lips. They had been in the Impala just for five minutes, and now they were making out. Heavily. With a lot of groaning, too.

Lee separated their lips with one last moan. "Let's put on some music," he whispered in Dean's ear.

Dean looked like a lost baby. Did he... did he just make out with his male best friend? And liked it? Where the actual hell was that going to go?

 _Hysteria_ by Def Leppard began playing on the radio when they finally met each other's eyes again. Lee had a flirty smile while Dean's mouth was wide open, not knowing what to say.

"So, did you like it?" Lee asked in a calm tone.

"I... I don't know what to say. I mean, it was a great kiss and all, I guess, but... what... the hell?"

Lee looked at Dean's lips. "We're completely drunk. We're gonna forget this. We might as well do it." They started kissing and making out again and again, 'till they both ran out of breath.

Lee kept a hand on Dean's right cheek while the other one started exploring his body. It didn't take long for it to be on Dean's crotch. He jumped on the seat when he felt a squeeze: okay, this was becoming too damn much. 

"Lee no." Dean grabbed Lee's wrist to make him stop.

"Dean, it's okay. I told you there's nothing wrong and that we will forget it anyway."

"Lee, oh my god..."

"Trust me, just let me make you happy..."

Lee freed himself from Dean's grip, knelt in front of him and used both hands to unbuckle his belt and his pants. He should have been thinking _do something, stop this_ , but his body was on fire, and instead, he couldn't stop imagining what it would have felt like sensing Lee's mouth around his dick. He looked down and he could clearly read on his friend's face the surprise seeing that he was already hard.

"Well well, I can see you enjoyed this even too much..."

Lee took Dean's member out of his boxers and began sucking it without a second thought. Dean let loose a quiet moan, tilting his head back. He was 20 and he had a lot of this type of fun in his life – only with girls – but this was hands down one of the best blowjobs he ever received. Sex with girls was awesome. He liked that. But what about sex with guys? Could it have been really that bad?

"Fuck, Lee, fuuuck..." Dean let every sound taking form down his throat out of his mouth while Lee's head was still going up and down. How did he not discover this before? They could have had been doing this for six years. Six motherfucking years.

He was near, he could feel it. Lee looked up: with a last hoarse moan, and a last whispered " _fuck_ ", Dean looked down at him and came in his mouth. God, I so wanna do it again, Dean thought immediately after. 

"Oh my god... Lee that was... that was amazing," said Dean still shook and trying to catch his breath. He giggled. "You hide a lot of talents, you son of a bitch."

Lee wiped away the remaining cum on his mouth with the back of his hand. "I knew you would have enjoyed it. I'm wasted as fuck. I gotta go pee." Lee got out of the car and disappeared behind a tree. Dean fixed himself and buckled up his pants. He managed to fell asleep in the same position after a few seconds. It was a night full of beautiful dreams for Dean.

––

Instead, the morning after was a nightmare. Dean woke up hungover, with the worse headache he ever had. What the hell happened the night before? And why was Lee sleeping with his head on Dean's thigh? His mind was blank, and if he tried to focus to remember something it hurt even more. He decided to wake Lee up.

"Lee... Lee, wake up."

His friend opened his eyes slowly, covering them right after. "Ah, the light. It's too bright." He finally got up and started looking around. "What... where are we?" He looked even worse than Dean.

"We got super drunk. We walked to the car. And that's all I remember. What time is it?" He checked the clock on the Impala. "Fuck Lee, it's 12 p.m., my father is so gonna be pissed..." he said opening the door.

"Dean what the fuck, you're not in the condition to drive. Let's have breakfast at least, maybe we will remember what happened."

Dean knew Lee was right. They got in the bar they went to last night and ordered two coffees. At his first sip, Dean had a flash of Lee looking at him in the backseat of the car. Looking at him and... kissing him? No. That couldn't have been right.

Lee's eyes were focussed on an indistinct point while he kept drinking his coffee. Then, all of a sudden, he whispered: "fuck". Dean looked at him, confused. "No, no no no, fuck, did I really do that?" he said putting his hands in his hair.

"What did you do?"

"I sucked your dick, Dean," he answered quietly.

_WHAT?_

"Lee, quit playing, what the hell are you talking about?" Lee looked deadly serious, and that's what worried Dean. Why in the world would that have happened? "Lee... man, you're joking, right? I mean, why would you have sucked my dick?" He tried laughing it off, but he wasn't that amused. Also, because he was starting to remember. _Just let me make you happy_. That's what Lee said the night before. Dean remembered that unknown feeling in his guts as soon as Lee had lowered his boxers. "Okay wait. It's coming back."

Lee looked at him. "Listen, two things. First, I'm sorry, I didn't want to make it happen when we were that drunk. – "

"You didn't what?" Dean said, trying to interrupt him. Was Lee _planning_ to give him a blowjob?

" – Second, was it really that bad? I mean, you seemed pleased."

Lee was still drunk. Dean couldn't find another logical explanation. He got up from the chair he was sitting in, left some money on the table and went to the car – Lee did the same. As soon as they were in the car, ready to go, Dean exhaled and closed his eyes. "Let's just... forget what happened okay? No one has to know. Especially my father or Sammy."

"If that's what you want," he answered with a sneer.

––

When they arrived at the motel, Lee got out of the car first, without saying goodbye, and reached his room, which was next to the Winchester’s. The clock struck 1:30, surely John was still inside with Sam since he didn’t have the car. Dean took a deep breath, preparing himself to face his father, who was already walking towards him, probably having heard the sound of the engine.

“Dean, give me the keys.”

“Dad, I’m sorry, neither of us weren’t in the conditions of driving yesterday night, we slept in the backseat and – “

“I don’t care. I gave you responsibilities. You disappointed me. Now, give me the keys, and go back in the room.” What upset Dean was that he looked calm during that whole scolding. “I was gonna let you kill your first wendigo tonight. Guess you didn’t earn it.”

Dean’s eyes were full of pain. He let down his father. Like the obedient soldier he was, he gave John the keys and walked to the room, waiting for his dad to be completely gone to open the door. At least, Sam was there.

“Hiya, Sammy. Sorry, I left you alone last night and this morning.”

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t an exciting night anyway. Lee looked like a cool dude. You had fun together?”

And what kind of fun.

“Yeah, well. Guess I’m staying away from the bottles for a while.” He sat on the bed with his little brother, Scooby-Doo was on, so they watched it together. Most of the time he was out hunting with his father, but he loved spending time like this with Sammy when he didn’t have to worry about him being safe. He always had this sense of duty to watch over him since they were children, since he had to carry him in his arms out of their burning house. Sam meant everything to him, and if he’d lost him… he didn’t even want to think about it.

He heard a knock on the door. It couldn’t be John since he had just left, so it could be only someone else. Dean walked to the door and opened it. “What do you want, Lee?”

“Dean, I just wanna talk okay? Maybe not here, where your brother can hear us?”

Dean looked at Sam and told him he would have been back soon. They went to Lee’s room and as soon as Dean closed the door behind himself, Lee pushed him over it, kissing him. It was just like the night before, Lee making the first move, and Dean too terrified and petrified to refuse, but something was different. They both could feel the softness, the urge, the consciousness of this kiss, they weren’t just two drunk boys messing around, they were adults aware of what they were doing.

Dean realized all at once that they shouldn’t have been kissing. “Lee, that’s enough.”

He got away and looked at him with sad eyes. “Lee, what the hell. I told we should have forgotten that. Why did you kiss me again?”

“I missed you, okay? Didn’t you miss me?”

Yeah, Dean did miss him, even if they hadn’t seen each other for only an hour. He had so many questions hanging over his mind.

“Lee… god, I have so many questions… first of all, I’ve been knowing you for six years and the fact that you liked men never once crossed our conversations? And what the hell made you think that I liked men too? Oh, and were you planning to do all of this? Cause this morning you were saying something about wishing it didn’t happen when we were drunk. Like, what the fuck, man.”

"Slow down, pal. Do you think the first thing I wanted to do after I realized I was bisexual was telling everyone I knew? I know this world, I know how much LGBT people can be discriminated against, especially among hunters. I was just trying to protect myself, and I hope you understand that."

Dean was starting to get it. He didn't want anyone to know what happened the night before, he feared people would judge.

"Second, you liking men was just a poor intuition. You never once complied when I was flirting with you at the bar, and I was drunk, what was I supposed to think?"

"I get it, but I was drunk too! Now we're both sober and you still kissed me!" Now he was raising his voice.

"In vino veritas, Dean. Maybe you aren't aware of that yet, it's normal, it took me some time too to understand it and accept it. I'm just trying to speed up the process." He started walking towards Dean while he took a step back.

"You still have one question to answer to."

Lee exhaled. "I just... had kind of a crush on you for the past two years. I mean,– " he laughed " –can you blame me? You know damn well you're freaking handsome."

Okay, Dean knew he had the looks, but a man falling for him? His best friend falling for him? That situation was so absurd, it never crossed Dean's mind. Lee kept walking to him, but this time he stood still, not a single muscle flinching. 

"Dean, I'm so sorry, but please, we can make this work out. You can try something new." He put a hand on Dean's neck.

"Lee, I don't... I-I don't think I can do this."

"Can you trust me now like you did last night? It didn't disappoint you at the end..." In the meantime, he put his other hand in the pocket of Dean's jeans, pulling him closer. Dean could feel the heat of Lee's body transferring to his, he was confused but he couldn't deny it felt good. Who the fuck cared anymore.

This time, Dean made the first move, reaching Lee's lips in a flash and cupping his face with his hands. The initial shock of the gesture soon left room for the longing and the heat of their tongues dancing together. They backed off for a second.

"God, Dean..."

"Just shut up and keep going before I regret it." Their kisses got deeper and deeper, Dean felt those stranger butterflies in his stomach. It happened with only another person before, Cassie. He remembered how their relationship went literally to shit when he told her about hunting, but Lee already knew, he was already part of that world, nothing could have forced him to walk away.

Lee's hands were pressed on Dean's back, under his shirt. They were cold thanks to the November weather and they contrasted with his burning body. Soon, their jackets and t-shirts were gone, thrown on the floor, and Lee was gently pushing Dean towards the bed, where he made him sit on the edge. He knelt in front of him and lowered both his pants and boxers. It was totally the opposite of what Dean experienced the night before, he was conscious of what was happening. It was slow, gentle but still needy. While Lee began the vertical movements with his mouth, Dean put a hand behind his back on the bed to stand and the other on his mouth, trying to keep the moans in his throat. It was a crappy motel and the walls were probably thin, he didn't want Sam to hear them.

“It’s so good…” Dean muffled between his fingers.

Lee started also using his hands, jerking him off and massaging him. Dean could feel the difference between male and female hands: Lee’s had more grip, they were bigger and full of callus because of hunting, but he still managed to be soft around Dean. It was such a familiar but at the same time foreign feeling, it just made Dean so dizzy and confused he couldn’t put together a single thought. Lee, instead, looked really sure of what he was doing, and he was aware of the pleasure his lips and hid hands were inevitably provoking on Dean. He suddenly got his cock out of his mouth, as soon as he felt it harden even more.

“You fucker… w-why did you stop?” cried out Dean, who was almost edging.

“I don’t want you to cum already, sweetheart. It’s not gonna be that easy like last night…” breathed Lee in his ear in response.

He lightly pushed Dean onto the bed so he could lay on him. Lee started kissing his collarbone, Dean tilted his head back, letting out silent moans. He was enthusiastic. He hadn’t felt that happy with someone since Cassie, and being back on track, being able to feel something good again, it was just wonderful for him. He wished that moment could never end. Lee finally took Dean's cock in his hands, wanking him and making him come in just a few seconds, while he arched his back.

"Told you I wouldn't have disappointed you," said Lee with a flirty grin on his face.

Dean had quivers from head to toe and semen all over his abdominals. He was heavily breathing and sweaty, but he couldn't stop smiling: however sinful what they did was, he didn't care because Lee was there. He knew – he hoped – Lee would have been there forever. 

It was exactly after that thought that he heard the sound of an engine. His freaking dad.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck Lee my dad is here, I gotta go," spit up Dean while he was still panting. He pushed his friend off of him and ran to the bathroom, cleaning with a towel the proofs of their short adventure. He quickly took his clothes from the floor, dressed and got out of Lee's room with a quick "bye", not letting him answer. Fuck, Dean thought as soon as he arrived in front of the door of his room, seeing that no one was in the car, so probably John was already inside. Not only he was surely still mad at him for the night before, but he also made him find Sam alone exactly when he arrived. His father was going to kill him. He carefully opened the door, sliding in silently, but John turned around in the fastest way possible.

"Dean? Where were you? Did you leave Sam alone? Again?"

Dean opened his mouth even though he didn't exactly know what to say. He knew his little brother could perfectly defend himself, but their father was extremely protective of Sam, and if anything ever happened to him, it was on Dean.

"He was gone for just a couple of minutes, he told me he was going to Lee's," said Sam in a hurry, before Dean could talk. When his father turned to his brother, Dean mouthed a "thank you" to Sam. Always having his back.

"Why did you have to go to Lee's? Didn't you too already had too much fun yesterday?"

Dean knew he wasn't talking about what they actually did, but he suddenly froze, still being able to feel the softness of his friend's lips.

"I just... had to tell him something. Doesn't matter anymore." He was wondering if they could have fooled their dad. He was good at detecting lies – it was his job after all – so Dean was kind of worried it wouldn't have worked.

"Mh, okay. By the way, I was just passing by, I forgot to bring some stuff to find the wendigo. Be good while I'm gone, both of you," said John all serious, leaving the room in a hurry.

Dean sighed with relief before he looked at Sam with a smirk.

"Thank you. Sorry if I wasn't back immediately, Lee and I really had something to talk about. I need a hot shower now and... Sammy?"

His brother was sitting on the table, doing homework. He glanced at Dean when he heard his name.

"Yeah?"

"You really are the best brother I could have ever wished for," admitted Dean messing Sam's hair up.

"Oh, shut up."

––

The next morning, Dean woke up with a name spread all over his mind and smiled right away. He did not regret a single thing, as wrong as he had thought it was. He just wanted to run to Lee's, kiss him again and again on his whole face – and body – and tell him how much he had missed him. Both his brother and him went to bed when John hadn’t returned yet. Usually, Dean stayed up waiting for him but that night he really needed sleep and crashed on the couch. He was glad his father was now walking across the room, getting ready probably for another hunting day.

“C’mon, get up. I found another case in another town, so we’re getting out of here. Go wake your brother up.”

Dean got up without question and walked to Sam’s bed, slightly pushing him, stopping as soon as he opened his eyes.

“Morning Sammy. We’re moving again. Dad, I’ll go call Lee too,” he added addressing his father.

“No need Dean, he’s already gone.”

Dean lost all the joy he had waking up. Lee was… _gone_?

“What do you mean Lee is already gone?” Dean said faster and angrier that he wanted to sound.

John looked at him confused. “His dad called yesterday evening and asked for him to came back because he needed help with the thing he’s dealing with… I thought he told you.”

Dean felt a weight on his chest but tried not to show his pain. He was wondering why Lee didn’t tell him: did he say something wrong the day before? Did he do something wrong? Maybe he just played Dean the whole time, making fun of him behind his back for falling in his trap. But what would have been the point in that? Telling the other hunters that he made Lee suck his dick? It would have badly affected him too. Still, Dean had to hold on to the table to stand up, since his legs felt weak. He had been with Lee for only two days, but he made him experience so many different feelings, and he missed every single one of them. Last time six months passed without them seeing each other, Dean trembled thinking about how much time it should have passed before he could see Lee again and asking him explanations.

“No, he didn’t.”

He dressed, washed his teeth and started packing his things in his bag. Once he was done, he followed his father to the Impala, noticing the empty stop beside it, and threw everything in the trunk. When he got in the car and John turned the radio on, _Heartbreaker_ by Led Zeppelin was playing. That song usually made him so energized he wanted to dance, but not now: now he just wanted to smash something. Hard. And maybe with Lee’s head.

Fucking heartbreak.

––

**September 2001**

Dean always thought that working jobs on his own would have been so much better: no one that puts pressure on you, having your rhythms, being sure to celebrate after work without worry. He imagined being independent would have been really cool. Surely he was not of the same idea when he actually got to be that. He finally started taking care of monsters without the support of his father – even if sometimes he still needed to call John for advice – but with that came everything else, like stealing money, making his own badges, searching for motels, talking to the victims, going in the woods alone, and it obviously wasn’t a happy ride. Dean was used to being alone despite he hated it, but those past months felt like hell, with Sam in Stanford and his father far away for who knows how many weeks. His only distractions from his mind were hunting, riding the Impala, drinking and having sex, but everything was so monotonous, he slowly began disliking even those things. Also, he hadn’t been able to sleep decently in a long time enough that he had started crying himself to sleep at night. But he still had to do his job, even if he didn’t feel like it.

Dean had found a case on the haunted grounds of Fort Washita in Durant, Oklahoma. History said that a US military post was built in 1842 to protect citizens from Indians, but after the Civil war in 1862, it had been abandoned, while the local legend told something about a woman named Aunt Jane that was killed there in her home by thieves. She had been silent since then, but now a child was dead, all his hair cut off and his throat sliced. It was probably just a ghost, but still a monster to be taken care of. Dean spent his day between the police station, the house of the victim’s family and the library – where he found where the body was buried which was, of course, the damn woods.

It was night now, Dean had his duffle bag on his back and a shovel in his hands. It was an easy hunt, dig the ground, light the bones on fire, and if it occurred shoot the ghost with salt bullets. He walked to the point where a stone was engraved with the word _Jane_ and started digging, once he put the bag down. The ghost showed up sooner than Dean expected, so he had to let go of the shovel fastly and get his gun out, but before he could undo the zip Aunt Jane threw him out of the hole he had dug. He was defenseless, at night, in a wood, with a ghost haunting him. Great. Luckily someone arrived before it could reach Dean again and shot a couple of bullets from a rifle. The hunter couldn't see them 'cause it was dark, but he was pretty sure they were a he. He ran to Dean and lent him a hand to help him get up, then he took out a lighter and lit the bones on fire. The light that was coming from the flames struck on the man's face and when Dean saw him, his heart skipped a beat.

"Lee? Is that you?"

He looked up and smiled at his friend.

"Hi, Dean. Long time no see."

He slightly opened his arms, and Dean leaned into them. They hadn't seen each other in almost two years, but it felt like a lifetime for both of them, especially after everything that happened the last time they were together. Lee squeezed him in a tight hug, and they stayed in that position for what seemed like hours. They finally let go and looked into each other's eyes.

"What... How did you know I was here?" asked Dean.

"I'll explain everything, but now we gotta get out of here."

Lee took Dean's hand and then guided him to their cars, parked on the side of the road. They got into their owns, and Lee followed Dean to the motel he was staying at. Once they entered the room, Dean immediately hugged him again briefly, whispering: "I missed you so much."

"I'm sorry I went completely MIA these past months, but at first I needed time to think and then... a lot happened. A lot. I lost track of time and it looked like everything was flashing before my eyes... I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me," spit up Lee before he could even ask him what was going on.

"Lee, I... you look completely wrecked, what happened to you?" Dean saw him stiffen and looking down: that was no good. "You know you can tell me anything, right? I mean I'm still your best friend."

"Yeah yeah no, I know. I just... well, my old man died on a hunt last year and it kinda fucked me up. I started drinking and I also did drugs for a couple of months, it really got me down. I still had a lot to learn from him and I've been trying to get back on my feet by myself. But... fuck, I missed you like hell."

Lee walked towards Dean to give him another hug, but he put his hands up.

"Wait wait. I'm sorry about your father, I really am. I don't think I could handle the loss of mine. But before... this –" he said pointing to the space between them "– I have to ask you something. Why did you leave without telling me?"

Lee sighed and crossed his arms before answering.

"I was afraid of... us. I know, I'm the one who started it all, but I never had this kind of relationship with a close friend, and I freaked out. I was scared that something big would have happened, something that I couldn't control, and I acted without thinking first. I am still scared. Whatever's gonna happen. I don't know if you still want this. But if you do... I'm ready."

Dean hadn't thought about Lee in a lot. He remembered how bad he wanted to push him to a wall after he discovered that he left without even saying goodbye, but with time it all faded, leaving room for the constant loneliness. But now someone he had always counted on for his whole life was here, what could have gone wrong? Dean placed his hands on his friend's waist to push their bodies closer.

" _This_ is one of the best things that ever happened to me. How could I not still want it?" he whispered a few inches from Lee's face.

They kissed as the outside world had never existed. Lee put his arms around Dean's neck and started gently biting the other's lower lip. Dean had almost forgotten how soft Lee's lips were and how bad he had missed them. That kiss was hiding all the shit they had gone through while they were away from each other, all the gore they had seen, the obnoxious smell of rotten flesh, the tears and the screams of the people they arrived too late to save. They were protecting themselves from the bad memories and creating new beautiful ones. At last, didn't they deserve a little happiness? After all the wicked things they had fought?

They paused, their lips barely touching, and they laughed, feeling each other's breath on their mouths. They pressed their foreheads together, catching breath. Lee spoke first.

"I missed you. So much. I don't know how I've done this without you. I wanna ask you something but you're not obligated to answer. Did you... had someone after, you know, me?"

Dean had a lot of women, none of which made him feel something even remotely comparable with that pain in the guts Lee had always provoked in him.

"A lot of women. Just sex. None of that romantic shit."

"I don't exactly know if I'm okay with what you just said. But I'll keep kissing you so I won't have to think about it."

They laughed again softly and started licking and biting the other's lips. Dean wouldn't have handled someone else abandoning him. He wished for Lee to stay forever.

––

**April 2003**

At the moment, Dean had had his longest relationship ever. And it was a man. He and Lee had been together for a year and a half, and neither of them were tired of it. Not that their lives could have ever been somehow boring. They had been staying in a motel in Bisbee, Arizona, for an entire week, but they didn't mind it. They had taken out a small nest of vampires in a nearby town, and even if it was an easy hunt, there was always time to celebrate the win.

Dean's head was tilted back and buried in the pillow, while Lee was panting and leaving wet kisses on Dean's neck and collarbone. They stopped counting every time they made love after two hands were not enough. Dean had learned countless things from Lee, but every time they hooked up, it was different and better than the one before. Their almost synchronized moans were filling the room in a crescendo that would have briefly came into an end.

"You gotta beg for it, sweetheart. Beg," rasped Lee while thrusting into Dean, making him rake his nails across Lee's back.

"Please please please, I'm a– _fuck_ –I'm almost there. Just keep fucking moving."

Lee placed a kiss on Dean's lips and let his tongue slip into his mouth as he was stroking his cock. Lee came a minute after Dean did, and their breaths were starting to slow down. 

"How was it?" asked Lee, kissing every inch of his lover's face.

"You already know the answer, dickhead. You know damn well you're too good at it for it to be bad."

Lee was now lying down in his bed, which they had previously moved near the other one. They never asked for a king-sized bed even though he would have wanted to: Dean was still not comfortable with the idea of anyone knowing they were together, both an acquaintance or a stranger. But Lee's main preoccupation was Dean's happiness, so he was okay with queen-sized beds.

"We better go to bed, maybe there's another case tomorrow," said Dean before pulling the sheets away and covering his body with them.

All the time, he was looking for a new job like he couldn't live without it. Lee, on the other hand, was always trying to step away from it, 'cause he didn't find any joy in it. Not anymore. He just wanted to run away with Dean, somewhere no one could find them. Somewhere they could be whatever they wanted to be. Somewhere monsters didn't exist. He obviously knew none of that could happen, but he still would have kept dreaming about it. 

"Hey, you know what we could do once we'll get rid of every monster we can? Just withdraw like an old couple of hunters and open a bar."

"In Texas. If we gotta open a bar, I wanna do it in Texas. I'm not taking a no for an answer."

Lee giggled at Dean's sarcastic reply. He looked so innocent, the sheets covering his body up to the chest and his eyes bright green even in the dark of their room. But Lee knew him deep down the shield he had built over the years. Dean was hiding that visceral anger he couldn't explain, and he was taking it on monsters. He was a stone-cold killer, Lee had never seen his face muscles flinch once. He continually made an effort to look tuff, but he was so wrecked inside no one would have ever been able to stick together all those pieces. Not even Lee.

"Texas sounds good."

They fell asleep, holding each other hands over the pillows, unaware of what was coming next.

––

**July 2003**

Arizona's weather was hot, but the rolled down windows let some air into the car. _Highway to hell_ was on the radio, and Dean was fighting with his vocal cords, trying not to sing. He was still pissed at Lee for what happened a few days before.

"Dean, please, it's been two days, can we talk about it?" 

"I don't want to."

"Alright, then. We're just gonna drive in complete silence."

"Good."

Dean heard Lee sigh. He knew he was being hard on him, but Lee totally deserved it.

"I told you a million times that I'm freaking sorry and that it meant nothing. I was drunk."

"Is that your excuse for everything? You arrive home late, _I was wasted_ . You fall asleep mid hunt, _sorry, yesterday I got busted_ . You fucking cheat on me, _I was FUCKING drunk_! Sure, go ahead and do your thing, since I'm an emotionless killer. Just keep hurting my feelings."

_FLASHBACK_

"I'll be home at twelve," said Lee. It was already two in the morning, and Dean was worried. He decided to follow his brain other than his guts and went to the bar they used to go to together. They had been having a lot of stupid fights lately, over unnecessary things. _The shower's water is too hot. Those ripped jeans need needle and thread. The meat needs more salt._ Dean didn't know what was happening between the two of them, but he knew they both hadn't felt actually happy around each other in a very long time. But after all, Lee still remained his strength, he couldn't lose him.

He saw his truck in the parking lot and immediately went inside the bar. Dean started looking and asking for Lee everywhere until a girl told him to search him at the counter. As soon as he laid eyes on _his_ lover, he felt the need to throw up. Lee was full-on making out with some random guy. Maybe he wasn't even that random, perhaps that wasn't the first time Lee went around screwing with him. In twenty-three years of his life, Dean had learned how to control and channel his anger, but this was too much. He took the nearest glass and smashed only with his fist. Both Lee and the guy heard the glass clinking and turned towards it, meeting Dean's eyes.

"Dean?!" shouted Lee, trying to overcome the music. 

Dean ran out of the bar before he could do something else stupid and drove quickly to their motel room. He separated their beds and got into his. When Lee arrived, he kept saying that he wanted to talk about it, that he was sorry, that he was drunk. But Dean was exhausted. 

_END OF FLASHBACK_

They hadn't been talking about their feelings since what happened. And Dean was planning on not doing it for as long as he could. But after all, they were still working with each other, because they both knew they were better together.

"I'm...–" began Dean "–...I don't wanna talk about it 'cause I'm scared of what could happen at the end of the conversation. I still need you, and I don't wanna let you go. So please, just... shut the fuck up."

Lee turned his head to the window and never spoke again for the whole trip.

––

They arrived in Bisbee, where they had found a case. Police discovered the remains of a man, Aiden Hall, 22, who had been shred apart. As usual, it had been reported as an animal attack, but no animal they knew could have torn every limb apart from the torso with such brutality.

Disguised as rangers, Dean and Lee went to talk to the captain at the police station, convincing him to hand them the case. They moved to the hospital, where a doctor took them to the morgue to see the pieces of the dead body. The fact that no one had found the heart near the body, confirmed Dean's suspects.

"Werewolf," whispered Dean while getting in his car.

"Has to. A really furious one. Have you seen those bite marks?"

"Yeah. Maybe it was someone this Aiden had a fight with. Alright, let's head to his house. Maybe his family knows something. Remember, we're just some of his college friends." 

Aiden's dad told them his son had recently complained about how his friend Eric had started acting weird around his close friends and family. It was not much, but surely something to dig into. He gave them Eric Arnold's address, so they headed to his house.

"Yeah, uh, Eric hasn't been home since yesterday night. I really don't know where he is, I've tried to call him, but... I'm kinda starting to worry. You think something happened to him?" answered Eric's brother when they asked if he was home.

"Oh, no, we don't know either. But don't worry. We'll go to the police if he doesn't answer the phone by tonight," Lee told him.

"We were just wondering, has he been acting different lately?" Dean asked.

"Well, not different, but... lost in his thoughts? He has been kind of absent, maybe something is bothering him."

"Yeah, maybe. Anyway, thank you, we'll let you know if we find something out."

They got back in the car.

"So, what are we gonna do now? Wait for the night to look for him?" asked Dean.

"Not that we can do much else, he's the only lead we got. Do you...–" Lee lowered his tone "–do you wanna go back to our room?"

"Nah."

"Dean, I know you don't wanna talk about it, and that you're upset. You have every right to be. But I can't keep going with this shit. It's killing me."

Dean turned his whole body to face Lee.

"It's killing _you_? You better be joking. Okay, fuck it, let's talk about it. For how much time have you been cheating on me?" 

"Dean..."

" _How much?_ " Dean was now yelling.

"I met him two weeks ago. He started flirting, and we kissed. But there wasn't a time where I wasn't drunk."

There was a pause in which Dean tried to calm his voice.

"Did you sleep with him?"

Lee was looking down all the time. When he lowered his head even more as soon as he heard his partner's question, Dean instantly knew.

"Yeah. It happened one time. But it was just sex, nothing that could ever go near what I feel when I'm in bed with you."

Dean placed himself again in the seat and looked out of the window. He had just found out that his lover had been hooking up with someone else for two weeks. How was he supposed to feel?

"Good. That's perfect. _Per–fucking–fect_. How do you think I feel, ah?" He looked him dead in the eye. "You are literally everything that is holding me together. Did I do something wrong, did I say something wrong? 'Cause I really don't understand, Lee. Why would you do something like that to me? You know what, just get the fuck outta my car."

"Are you breaking up with me?" said Lee in a whisper.

"GET OUT!"

Lee got out of the Impala without saying anything else. He didn't know where to go, but he was in the wrong, and Dean deserved better than to be around someone who let him down like that.

––

Dean drove to their motel room and locked himself inside it. _It was just sex._ It was still cheating. Lee hurt him in a way that no one ever did. What happened to his promises? What happened to the ' _I will never leave you_ 's? And the bar in Texas? Dust. Just hollow words. Dean ran to the bathroom and threw up his lunch. His head, his heart, his stomach hurt. He felt his legs weaken, so he clung to the toilet seat to stand. His cheeks started getting wet from the tears. He finally stood, looking at his wrecked self in the mirror. After Dean saw how he looked, his vision blurred. He punched the glass, producing little cracks on it, then he took his and Lee's toothbrushes and threw them on the floor. He walked to the bedroom, stripped the beds, threw the lamps across the room, and took Lee's clothes out of the wardrobe. He sat on the floor and brought his knees close to his chest, holding them. Dean didn't know for how long he stood there, letting his heart break piece by piece. He knew that when he looked out of the window, it was already dark. He was mad, but he still had a job to do.

Dean packed his and Lee's things, left some money, and a paper with ' _sorry_ ' written on it on the bedside table. He threw the bags in the trunk of the Impala and called Lee as soon as he positioned himself in the driver's seat.

"Hello? Dean, are you okay?" Lee answered the phone after two rings.

"I am. Meet me at the park, we should look for the werewolf."

Dean's voice was still kind of broken, but he had to keep things professional.

"Well, okay. See y–" Dean didn't let him finish and hung the phone.

When he arrived at the park near the woods, Lee was already there. Dean tried his best not to look him in the eyes.

"Hey."

"I brought your things. Once we're done with this job, we should take different paths." Dean tried to be the colder he could.

Lee was just slightly shorter than him, but after what Dean said, he felt even smaller.

"O–okay. If... if that's what you want."

Dean gave him a silver knife and a gun with silver bullets in it. They stepped in the wood, standing at attention for every little unnatural sound. The wood was getting more and more thick, but all of a sudden, they heard the scream of a white voice. They looked at each other for a second and then ran towards it. They arrived in a clearing with the remains of what probably used to be a large tree in the middle. Somehow, the screams came from there. When they arrived in its proximity, Lee saw a trap door hidden by leaves and pointed it to Dean. Maybe there was some kind of a lair where their werewolf could be hiding. In the meantime, the screams had stopped, raising fear and attention in both of them. Dean opened the door and went in first, followed by Lee. What they saw under there was something they would have never forgotten. The whole place was muddy, with stone walls covered in slimy blood, and some chains in a corner. Two kids were in the middle of the room, their chest opened up, and their limbs shredded. A man was sitting as far away as he could from the center, laying on the wall and with bites all over his legs. They had arrived late. Dean immediately recognized them as Eric's brother and the kids he was holding hands with. He felt that familiar acid taste in his mouth, but there was nothing in his stomach to throw up.

"Stay away from me... and from him–" whispered the man "–he's gonna get you. Run away. _Fast_."

He closed his eyes, and Dean couldn't tell if he passed out or if he was...

"Dean, we gotta go," said Lee, alarmed.

Dean gave him a weird look.

"What? He might still be alive. We gotta help him, Lee."

"He's screwed anyway, and if we stay here longer, we're screwed too! Let's get the fuck outta here." Lee headed to the stairs that brought them down there.

Dean shifted his eyes between the man and Lee. If he was still alive, perhaps they would have been able to save him. But if he wasn't and the werewolf arrived... maybe Lee was right. Dean reached him and climbed the stairs. Once they were out, they began running in the direction they had come from. Until they found Eric right in the middle of their way. Dean quickly held his gun with both of his hands and shot every bullet it was charged with, but the werewolf had already attacked Lee, leaving three marks on his chest. After all the bullets, it fell to the ground, turned back to Eric, and never moved again. Dean reached Lee with a worried look.

"Are you okay?"

"It hurts, but I'll be okay. Run."

They arrived at the car and drove away as soon as they got in. They arrived at the motel where Lee's truck was parked. Dean turned his head towards him and saw his sight locked on something in front of himself and his heavy breath.

"I meant it. When I said we should go separate ways."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just... those kids, I–I don't think I'll ever be able to forget it." He sounded genuinely scared.

Dean didn't say anything. He was pretty shocked too, but he accepted that it was part of the job. Sometimes you save people, but other times you can't.

"I think I’ll go to Texas now. It was good till it lasted, you know. I wanna say something, and you don't have to reply.” He paused. “I love you, Dean Winchester. With every bit of my heart. Thank you for everything, and... goodbye."

Lee got out of the Impala and got into his own car. Dean watched him drive away, without looking back. He regretted letting him go the moment after he didn't see the car anymore, but he never admitted it to himself, he was too proud. He should have said ' _me too_ '.

––

**December 2019**

Dean was sitting on the edge of the pool table, the cue still in his hands. Lee's lifeless body was lying on the floor, and Dean still couldn't believe what he had to do. His best friend. He had just killed his best friend. He knew it was right because Lee was _feeding_ people to that thing, to the marid, but the more he thought about it, the more he felt guilty. For having left him on his own that damned day and never searched for him again. He should've been there for him, but he had his own shit to deal with, right? _Goddamit, you're so fucking stupid_ , Dean thought as he sat resting on the leg of the table, burying his face in his hands. Lee had probably been one of the most important persons he had ever had in his entire life. He had learned so many things about himself with Lee, he should've been thanking him, not looking at his dead body. Dean had never realized how his presence in his early days had influenced his life. No one had ever known about their relationship, not his dad, nor Sam, nor any hunter they knew. It was their secret. But Lee had helped him several times accept who he was and the life he had to go through. He had been his rock for so long, it wouldn't have been that easy grieving him. Worst part, he never got the chance to say _I love you_. Dean remembered, his ice-blue eyes, his soft lips, every scratch he left on his back during their nights. Then, all of a sudden, he saw in his mind another pair of piercing blue eyes. 

Lee was dead, but not all was lost.

He had an angel to make up to.

––

Dean arrived at the bunker, and immediately found Cas in the crow’s nest.

“Hey,” Dean said as soon as he walked down the stairs and saw the angel.

“Dean.” It was the first time they talked in person since the damn day Dean thought he had lost Castiel for good. He knew that situation was entirely his fault: he was the one that blamed the other for everything that went wrong lately in his life, from Mary to Rowena, but neither of those things was entirely Cas’ fault. It just felt easier for Dean to hate him, instead of embracing what he was really feeling. 

“I got your message. Sam, is he…?” asked Dean, laying his bag on the table.

“He’s fine” answered Cas, cold as ice.

Those blue eyes. Dean hadn’t looked at them in six weeks, and it hurt so bad seeing how much pain they tried to hide. It was his fault Cas walked away from them, it was his fault Cas didn’t want to respond to Sam’s texts, it was his fault Cas was hurt. All because it was simpler, right? Because Dean was scared of feeling, scared of being attached to someone else in his life, scared that _something_ could fuck it up. What happened with Lee was another proof of what loving someone meant to Dean: them walking out of his life, or worse, them dying for whatever reason. The only thought about his past lover hurt the hunter in one of the ugliest ways. _Fuck him_ , honestly. He had loved him for real, but he just turned out to be a freaking monster, like the other ones. Dean knew his angel wasn’t like him: Castiel did a lot of wrong things, but it was all to protect him. To protect _his human_. He looked over him several times, he was the one that saved him from hell, he rebelled to heaven for him.

“Good, that’s good,” said briefly Dean, realizing he had been starring at Cas, without saying a thing. 

“Yeah.” Cas broke the eye contact with the hunter and walked away, going to the infirmary where Sam was.

“Good.” Dean was hurt, but he kind of deserved it.

––

Later that night, after they discussed God, Dean was in his room, listening to rock music with a beer in his hand and staring at his phone on Cas’ chat. _Am I gonna be that brave?_ , he was asking himself, wondering if it would have been worth it. Maybe he would have just embarrassed himself because Cas didn’t return his feelings, but maybe he did… and Dean was afraid of what would have happened in that case. _Fuck it_ , he thought and texted Cas to come in his room. After a few minutes of utter tension for Dean, Cas opened his door and closed it behind him.

“Why did you ask me to come here?”

Dean stood, freed himself of the headphones and laid the beer on the shelf.

“Okay. Ehm… listen, I have to tell you _a lot_ of things, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, especially if you interrupt me. So, the only thing I’m asking you now is this: just listen to me, and you can talk as soon as I’m done. Okay?” Dean took a deep breath when Castiel nodded. He didn’t even know how to begin.

“Okay. First thing, I’m deadly sorry for how I treated you these months. I know you didn’t deserve it, but… I think I just had to find someone to blame for all of this, you know? Everything has been going to shit since a lot, particularly lately with all of this Chuck thing, and I’m tired, man. It was… easier, finding a scapegoat, even though you were the last one to deserve it. I hope you can forgive me.”

He paused a few seconds. Cas looked like he was expecting this but nothing more, so he proceeded in opening his mouth to say something, but Dean immediately shushed him. The simple part was gone, now he had to move on to the difficult one.

“I’m not done. Second thing… I don’t really know how to start since I haven’t prepared a speech, so… I’m just gonna go with it. In my life, I have loved – in a romantic way – the equal amount of four people. The first one – you probably don’t know about her – is Cassie. I dated her before my dad disappeared, and it was going great, that great that I wanted to tell her about my life. I did, and it was a terrible mistake: she didn’t believe me, she broke up with me, and the heartbreak lasted. I met her again once when I was looking for my father, but we said goodbye to each other for good. The second one is Lisa, you knew her. For a moment I even thought I had a son with her, but she kept saying he wasn’t mine. You know I tried to live a normal life with her after Sam went to hell with Lucifer and Michael, but once again, it didn’t work out.”

Cas looked surprised. He wasn't used to hearing Dean talk like that about his feelings, but he was happy he could open up and curious about what was the aim of that whole speech.

“The third one… the one that left me scarred the most between these three… was Lee.”

Dean really wasn’t ready to talk about him, not after what happened the night before, but he had to if he wanted Castiel to understand everything.

“Lee was… he had been the love of my life for a long time. He was my first and last experience with a guy. After we – air quotes – broke up, I practically had to rebuild myself. We went through so much together, and he left a big hole in my heart… I thought I would have never been able to love again.”

Dean looked down and felt a tear on his cheek.

“I met him again yesterday. He had opened the bar of our dreams, the one we always said we would have built together, once we were done with monsters. It hurt, seeing him happy, not living the hunter life anymore, but it was heart-warming. You know, at least one of us had done it. But yeah, that went to shit too. Turns out he was kidnapping people so this monster could feed on their blood and keep him wealthy. We fought, but… I-I had to. I had to kill him. I killed the only true friend and lover I ever had. But it was the right thing. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make this that emotional.”

Dean sighed and wiped away the tears. He looked up and locked his green eyes with Cas’ blue. He had his mouth slightly opened, sign that he didn’t expect anything of what Dean was saying.

“I’m sorry for your loss. Also… you’re missing a fourth person.”

Okay, the time had come. Dean was ready. He glanced up at Castiel shyly, then lowered his gaze so that the angel wouldn’t have been able to read anything through his eyes.

“Yeah, I am. You know the fourth person very well. It’s a him. the only other man I’ve ever had feelings for. Cas, I… I’ve been denying it and trying to hide it, but I mean, we’re probably gonna die anyway at the end of this year, so I don’t see the freaking point in keeping on burying it down. Cas, I… fuck, I don’t even know how I’m going to tell you.”

He burst out a sarcastic laugh. Dean just had to say three words, but it was so hard, especially after he met just for a moment Castiel’s eyes.

“At this point, I realized this is not just some Godly will. Cas, _I fucking love you_. I fell in love with you a long time ago, and I just… can’t help it.”

Castiel was tense, but he relaxed his face muscles as soon as Dean spoke. The hunter couldn’t exactly place the expression the angel had: it seemed like what Dean said didn’t affect him, like he wasn’t feeling anything, not happiness, nor anger. Anything.

“You can’t even begin to understand how sorry I am. I know I’m the worst at this type of thing, but this late? That’s a lot even for me. Man, I don’t know what you’re thinking right now and it’s eating me. Just… say something?”

Castiel was standing there, in front of Dean, without saying a word. He didn’t even look shocked or surprised, it seemed like Cas had heard something that wasn’t new for him.

“Dean… I know,” finally said the angel, after what looked like an eternity for Dean.

He… _knew_? How? Dean started stuttering. “Y-you know? What do you mean?”

“Dean –” he looked away and then held the hunter’s gaze “– I’ve always known. I don’t know when it started, or when you realized that, but I know you have these feelings.”

Dean seemed lost, he didn’t know what to say. Was he that transparent?

“I just… I know you, Dean. You keep a lot of things to yourself, things you don’t want to let people know, things you don’t understand, but I acknowledged immediately. Must have something to do with that _profound bond_ of ours. Remember I could see your soul back when I saved you from hell.” Castiel paused, seeing Dean’s disoriented expression.

The hunter let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. All of this time Cas knew and never told him anything: he wondered what that meant.

“Do you wanna tell me… I don’t know, how that happened?”

Dean remembered purgatory and what they both went through in that godforsaken place. All the blood and the dirt, but the euphoria in finally finding his angel. He shook his head, bringing his mind back to the real world, to Cas. He remembered admitting to himself that he loved him, how hard it was and how long it took. He was happy he could finally get that off his chest.

“Yeah, I… that happened while we were in purgatory. I mean, I understood it there. I don’t know when I exactly started feeling like this towards you. I think it was more of a _really_ long process, starting from when I stabbed you in that freaking barn from… well, it kinda never stopped.” Dean giggled. “At first, I thought we would have hated each other. I know I’m hot-headed, and beginning to comprehend that angels, something a lot more powerful than demons, were a thing, kinda destroyed me. But well, you still had saved me from hell. And tons of other times after that. You tried to stop Lucifer from rising, Sam and I didn’t kill each other while archangels were wearing us because you _rebelled_ to heaven. I remember you telling me I was the only friend you had, and I… I started seeing you as part of my dysfunctional family. I saw you die the first time after Sam went to hell, but luckily you weren’t gone for long. When I was with Lisa and Ben, sometimes I still thought about you, and then all that crap about Sam’s soul, Crowley and Leviathans happened… I lost you again, I didn’t know where you were, or even if you were alive, and I kept your freaking trench coat. It had been in the trunk of my car for what, six months before I met you again? And you didn’t even know who I was. Do you know how much that hurt, the man you love not recognizing you? But again, I’m too fucking proud and I still couldn’t forgive you, even after you took Sam’s memories. But you helped me take down Dick.”

“I was worried about you. You could have died, and I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I wouldn’t have helped you” added briefly the angel.

“And I’m thanking you for that. I think that if I would have ended up in purgatory all alone, I wouldn’t have been having this conversation with you right now. All I did there was looking for you. I understood later – a lot later – why you ran away, but at the time you were the only thing I had, and I… what if something had happened to you and I wasn’t there to protect you? I started running in circles for weeks, interrogating and killing every monster I found on my way, I was freaking desperate, and I think all of them could read that on my face. Luckily, I met Benny so I could have told you great news, once I had found you. What happened happened and I kept blaming myself ‘till you told me that you never wanted to get out of that place. I felt like I failed you and for a lot of time I looked like I was standing on my feet just because my body told me so: my head was exploding, I couldn’t sleep at night, I kept seeing you everywhere.”

That was the worst mourning Dean had gone through at that point in his life. He couldn’t have said he was one hundred percent sure Cas was dead, but Leviathans had been just behind them when Dean had walked through the escape door: he had instantly assumed the angel died, aware of how weak he was.

“When you returned to earth, I was surely happy, but you had come back out of nowhere, you kept telling me you didn’t know who saved you, I was suspicious. Turns out I always have to trust my guts, ‘cause this bitch Naomi had brainwashed you into bringing her the angel tablet and eliminating every obstacle you had in front of you. But you didn’t, right? You didn’t kill me at the crypt. Something broke the connection.”

“You. It was you, Dean.” It was a relief, hearing those words from Cas. “Fun but not-so-fun fact, Naomi had me kill thousands of clones that looked exactly like you, and I never hesitated once but with the real you. I think I just felt the bond.”

Dean could see Cas’ little smile while he was trying to hide it by looking down. He felt some kind of heat in the center of his chest, making his whole body shiver. Dean was happy like he hadn’t had felt in a long time.

“By the way, that’s when I knew. I didn’t know what you were up to, you were beating the shit out of me, and… I didn’t want to fight back. I preferred you hurting me than having to hurt you, even though I wasn’t trusting you. I wanted to say _I love you_ so bad, but then… –“ Dean lowered his gaze, so he wasn’t looking directly in Castiel’s eyes “– then Lee came into my mind. Back in the days, it put me down so bad I didn’t want that to be repeated. So, I just said _I need you_. Which is true, Cas. I desperately need you ‘cause I love you, and I can’t help it. I never had the chance to say it to Lee, I don’t wanna make the same mistake now.”

Dean’s voice broke, and he went back to stare in those blue eyes he fell for. His were tearing up because it was the first time he was saying these things out loud, but he really felt weightless.

“Well, I appreciate you shared all of this with me, and I would like to say something too. You know… for heaven, there is nothing worse than an angel and a human falling for each other. People are weak, my kind is not. We shouldn’t _stoop down_ to your level, because every single one of you is just a minuscule slice in an angel’s life, just a little dot. But honestly, fuck them. You’re the biggest dot that ever appeared in my whole life, and no eraser could be able to cross that out. I learned everything I know from you Dean Winchester, especially how love works. I know it’s hard, that sometimes it may hurt you and the other people involved, but I also learned the positive side of having someone that is always there for you, even when you’re in the darkest places of all. I guess we just got lucky, and if it wasn’t for Chuck, I can only imagine how perfect that could have been. I don’t know how I feel about your apologies for treating me like you did lately, but I understand why you reacted that way, and I’m glad you at least admitted your mistakes. One thing I’m sure about is that nothing you’ll ever do will make my feelings towards you stop or change. So… _I love you, Dean Winchester_. Forever and always.”

He had been waiting to hear those words for a lot of years. Dean had now a smile from ear to ear, even if they had the worst timing of their life. 

“What… are we gonna do now?”

Castiel started walking to Dean with a smirk on his face. 

“I don’t have a clue –“ he said when he was only one foot away from the hunter “– but I guess we’ll figure it out as we go. I hope.”

Cas put a hand on Dean’s cheek, and the hunter put his on the angel’s, crossing their fingers together. Castiel started wiping Dean’s tears away with his thumb, provoking a small laugh in him.

“I’m so sorry, I’m a huge mess. I just love you so much.”

“I know, you dumb son of a bitch. And I love you too.”

Cas took Dean’s breath away by putting his lips on the hunter’s. It was one of the softest kisses Dean ever shared with someone, there was no malice, no craving, just the pure love they felt for each other.

Dean’s mind was completely empty. He wanted to savor the moment, taste every inch of his angel’s lips. _His_ angel. 


End file.
